I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately; the lessons I’ve learned, the people I’ve been lucky enough to share some of my life with, and the ones I want to go back and punch myself right in the face for ever dating. And it came to me while talking with my kids about the few people they’ve met over the last six plus years, as we reminisced, and they ranked each person in order of favorite, and told me what kind of person I should look for going forward. I.E. Must be funny, play football and basketball, not be boring, and have kids of their own so they “get” it.
Simple things, right?
They’re very wise kids. I may start getting them to make my life decisions. Instead of my Magic 8 ball.
After our talk, I realized I should compile a list of reasons that I have broken up with someone in the past, so I don’t accidentally do any (more) repeatsies. I am actually quite good for the environment because I have recycled almost every relationship I’ve ever had, so clearly I need a quick reference sheet to help ensure I go forward instead of backward.
With my list, I’m thinking I will save a lot of time, emotional investment, and money spent on cute new underwear. If a prospective partner has qualities on this list, we can move immediately to the ‘sorry, that one’s on the list, peace out’ phase of dating.
So, here we go. Top twenty. In no particular order:
1. Not funny (no exceptions). Funny is mandatory;
1A. Doesn’t find me funny, or get my humor (I’m hilarious, just ask my kids);
2. Bad kisser (no exceptions). By now, you should have it mastered. 2.(a) Bad breath (no exceptions);
3. Texts and swipes on cell phone with middle finger and/or pinky finger. That’s just weird;
4. Says “I seen”;
5. Homeless (you can’t live with me). Please have your own home, car, job, bed on bed frame, and most of teeth;
6. Long fingernails. No, just no. I can’t even;
7. Hair too fancy;
7A. Refuses to do fun hat montages because of fancy hair. Loosen up. You are never too old, or too cool, to just have fun, and be silly;
8. Wears man jewelry and/or bad dad jeans (I snuck two in one here). I cannot get past the gold chain, and he’s got to have good jeans, that fit, and aren’t from 1987;
9. Hums when chewing. And doesn’t realize hums when chewing;
10. Psycho yogurt eater. No need to scrape the container like it’s the last bit of cocaine before you enter rehab;
11. Enters rehab. Feel free to be addicted to loving the Hell outta me, but that is all;
12. Tries to feed me mayonnaise from 2015. In 2017. Why don’t you just slip me some cyanide!?
13. Surprise d!ck pic. No. 13.a D!ck pic with my name written on it. Creative, but still a hard core no;
14. Hates wind. Who doesn’t ride on the top of the ferry? See # 7.
15. Mr. Vomits A Lot (i.e. barfy when hungover, or if they cough too hard, or when they smell rotisserie chicken, or if they eat too many chips. You get the idea). Swipe LEFT. *If you have a good ten year streak of no barfing, and would rather rip off a limb than vomit, you could very well be my soul mate;
16. Judges me for eating pie* in bed (*substitute any delicious snack food);
17. Wants to build a house out of dirt, powered by potatoes. And draws sketch of said house on restaurant window; really taking away from my happy cashew chicken eatin’ vibe. When you end the date, they go play harmonica on the waterfront for some cash to get home. By bus.
Congratulations! You have just dated a mentally ill Busker. This should probably be moved to top of list.
18. Is mean. Gets angry at everything. Other drivers, slow cashiers, loud talkers, space hoggers, cute puppies. I pretty much always assume the bad drivers have to poop. Hell, I just assume everyone has to poop. Try it;
19. Won’t crack a window in the heat of summer in bed at night. Because theft. I don’t care if someone busts in and steals ME! I am sweating my fool ass off, crack a window! I dreamt of being abducted and taken to a house with air conditioning and a kidnapper who let me turn on the damn fan!
20. Liar, liar pants on fire. I can take a little fib here and there. Exaggerate a story, tell me you made a steak when you ate a chocolate bar for supper, tell me I look extra cute in my sweatpants…these little fibs make life more interesting…but no thank you liars.
I recommend you attempt to get through the list on the first date. No point wasting time. Just work each item into conversation:
“So, you say you’re an engineer…what are your thoughts on potato houses?”
“I see you have very nice hair – how do you feel about wind?”
“If you’re sweating, do you A. Turn on a fan, or B. Shut all windows and add flannel sheets to the bed?”
“Do you love yogurt, or do you loooooove love yogurt?”
It’s a super handy dandy time saving date screening tool.
Now, there are some exceptions; it may not always be one strike and they’re out. If they are funny, with good jeans, pro open window, upper level ferry riders, but they have an aversion to nail clippers, you may be able to overlook this. I likely will not. But you may.
And don’t misunderstand, I know I am not (quite) perfect…and I could (and likely will) write a much longer list of the things that will drive someone batshit crazy about me. First on the list may be that I have this list. But, for now, I prefer to let the brave ones figure those things out on their own.
I’m hopeful that while travelling this Finding Nicole trip, that I will also find the absolute right person for me, and I will no longer need a list at all. I will find each quirky thing about them endearing, and completely wonderful, and not at all annoying or weird. Oh, who am I kidding? Right person or not, relationships are complicated and people are weird. I’m hopeful. Not insane. I hope to someday find my weirdo.