There is no butter in my coffee, that’s just nasty

For those of you wondering if you should hop on the Ketogenic low carb, no sugar, high fat (*cough cough* no fun), “lifestyle” train…this post is for you. This post is not for the hard core Keto-ers. You’ll hate this. Look away. No really, stop reading. And please don’t send me hate mail, or thwack me upside the head with an avocado if you see me walking down the street.

 
In short, what I understand, is that the aim of a Ketogenic diet is to burn unwanted fat by forcing the body to rely on fat for energy, rather than on carbohydrates (the yummy stuff). I decided to give it a try this year because I recognized that I was eating way too much sugar (the ladle full of Nutella I ate at Christmas may have been rock bottom for me), and my ass jiggled when I brushed my teeth. I wanted to make healthier choices. My hope was mainly to have more energy instead of feeling the sugar highs and lows. Also, I’m forty five and I really like skinny jeans. My days of eating whatever I wanted and staying slim, are long over.
 
So, here are a few things I’ve learned in the 2+ months of eating (mostly) “Keto” that may help you decide if you’d like to get on this crazy ride with me, because even though I’m not digging it, I am sticking with it (for now), or if you’ll be more likely to high five me as you run on past to get a piece of pie.

 

Wait for meeeeeee…..!

 

Kidding. I don’t run. Please bring me back a piece of pie.

 

Here is the best thing that has happened to me so far while trying out this keto thing…my sugar cravings are gone. When you full on stop eating sugar, you really do stop craving it. WHAT!? This alone is a major miracle for the sugar addict in me. I can have all the chocolate in the house for the kids and I don’t eat any. Guys, I. Don’t. Eat. Any. Valentine’s Day came and went and I did not have a single chocolate. I don’t take whole pies or packages of cookies to bed with me anymore. A bonus perk of keto is a lot less crumbs in my bed and more room on my bedside table where my snackin’ stash used to be.

 

And you really can eat all the bacon.

 

And butter.

 

Hell, you can have bacon wrapped butter.

 

And you really can lose weight. Quite quickly. Almost immediately, I noticed a change in how my clothes fit as you initially lose all the water that the fat cells were hanging onto. Be prepared to spend a lot more time peeing. I’m actually writing this from the toilet. It’s just more convenient.

 

And you will lose inches. I don’t use a scale, because I don’t want to be fixated on a number, but I take measurements using string – again, no numbers – and the change is real. I may post before and after photos on here someday, but the ones I initially took are in my undies and no one needs to see that. You’ll go BLIND!

 

You will definitely get your daily recommended servings of vegetables. I absolutely eat a lot more veggies now. But, for the love of all things holy,  do not eat the delicious carb filled veggies, people. Yep, some vegetables are actually off limits. VEGETABLES! And do not even dare to eat fruit. There’s SUGAR!!! It’ll throw off the whole burning fat for fuel Ketosis thing, doncha know.

 

If you let a piece of pineapple cross your lips, I’m pretty sure Keto police show up at your door, bash you over the head with a sock full of butter, and drag you off to solitary confinement where you are forced to eat cauliflower in rice form for the rest of your days.

 

Which FYI, does NOT taste AT ALL LIKE RICE! I ain’t fooled by you being shredded into little rice shaped nuggets, cauliflower! Don’t even get me started on cauliflower smushed into mashed potato form. Cauliflower, I’m sorry to have to say this because you think you have it goin’ on, but, you will NEVER, EVER be delicious, feel good, comforting, mashed potatoes. Just stick to being a delightful raw vegetable for dipping and stop all this nonsense.

 

I loathe cauliflower now, in all of it’s stupid ass forms. Well, all except the cauliflower tot. Those things are my jam.

 

And I never want to see another piece of bacon as long as I live. Yes, Keto has ruined bacon for me. It is possible that my love for bacon may not have run as deeply as I thought it did. It was perhaps more lust than love. And as we all know, lust fades fast.

 

And I don’t like avocado. GASP! I said it. Locking my doors now just in case the butter sock is coming.

 

 

Will you find new things to eat that you enjoy? Possibly.
 
Will it be some fat laden but delightful keto version of chocolate cream pie? Nope.
 

Zucchini noodles? Meh. I’m not mad at them.

 

Or cabbage…sauteed, in a salad, keto’d into coleslaw, or shredded into the infamous “eggroll in a bowl” recipe that every Keto-er raves about and lovingly refers to as “crack slaw”. I rename that asshole in a bowl. I want my eggroll in a deep fried wrapper like a NORMAL HUMAN!!!! No. Just the smell of cabbage makes me gag now.

 
Crap. What I’ve realized is that this “lifestyle” may work because you simply lose all will TO LIVE when you can’t eat any of the things that you used to love!!!

 

Whoa. Is Keto rage a thing? I think I may have a minor case of that.
 
It would be major, if I wasn’t mostly dead inside. Instead of coated with caramel sweetness like I used to be when I had a cali-style Caramel Machiato on the regular.

 

Fancy coffees and sass aside, I haven’t had as challenging a time as I thought I would kicking sugar, which is beyond shocking for someone who could eat an entire family size bag of Maltesers in one sitting. And did so nightly. BUT, I have a very hard time eating as much fat as is required for ketosis to occur (and that is when the magic happens supposedly). I just can’t do 70-80% fat in my diet each day. So, I see less physical changes now, but, I am staying off the sugar and eating low carbohydrates – most of the time. Because it’s healthier than the sugar coma I was living in.

 

I understand that some people living this “lifestyle” – let’s face it, you can call it whatever you want, but it’s a diet – are doing so to lose large amounts of weight and they’ve made a very successful change in their health by sticking strictly to this diet, and they can’t or don’t “cheat”, ever. I send out a huge “you rock!” to all of them! Sincerely. It’s dedication and commitment that makes it work. But these last two months have made me realize that I am not a hard core keto-er. But it has changed me. Even in this short time, I’ve been reminded that what you put in your body has consequences, and you should choose wisely. I want to treat all 5’2″ of my own body much better than I have before.

 

Keto reminded me that real food is the best fuel for my body. And I was also reminded that it’s okay to eat purely for the sake of enjoyment sometimes. Food is delicious, and it should be enjoyed. And I will sometimes have dessert. Because it’s super duper delicious. And I won’t feel any guilt about it. None. I can eat dessert once in a while and not fall right off the keto train and binge eat a whole pie now.  That is some serious change. *Toot toot* Yeah, I just tooted my own horn.

 

So, do I recommend keto? Heck yeah, I do. If it helps you make the change you’ve been struggling to make, it’s worth a try. But don’t feel bad if you make adjustments. You do you. And stay away from cauliflower rice. That shit is what evil tastes like.

 

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