Ninja Pooping 101

I’m allergic to wheat and that basically rules out all things delicious (especially deep fried doughy donuts) but who can resist them? They’re warm. And mini. And rolled in icing sugar. So yeah, not me, man.

And then bad things happened people.

Bad.

Things.

If talk of poop makes you panic. Skip this post. And read this book: Everyone Poops.

So I was on the toilet at Starbucks. Yep. I said it. I had to stop in between visiting clients the other day…cause when ya gotta go, ya gotta go…and *ahem* I may have eaten several mini donuts at lunch.

I’m allergic to wheat and that basically rules out all things delicious (especially deep fried doughy donuts) but who can resist them? They’re warm. And mini. And rolled in icing sugar. So yeah, not me, man.

And then bad things happened people.

Bad.

Things.

So, you know when you have serious poop issues but you are attempting to do so in a ninja like fashion by not breathing or moving and doing the flush and poop at all the right times so no one knows you’re in there, near death? I have mastered the ninja poop. I would dare say, I’ve actually become TOO good at the ninja poop.

Because of my mad skills, things took a surprising turn.

You see where this is headed, right?

Without warning, the bathroom lights went out.

Pitch black in a public washroom stall. On the toilet.

I was totally freaked out. I may have screamed.

Began flailing arms to see if the lights were on a motion sensor.

Apparently motion is not detected inside the stall.

I curse myself for reading a good book while pooping.

Am trapped in dark stall.

Waiting for someone to walk in and magically make the lights come on. ‘Cause that won’t be weird AT ALL when I pop out of the darkness.

Can’t see my hand in front of my face.

Cell phone buried in giant bag.

Can’t find giant bag.

Have to *GASP* feel around the stall…the germs, my god, the germs. Finally I find my phone and use flashlight app.

Make mental note to Lysol phone.

Kiss phone.

Make mental note to Lysol lips.

I come bursting out of stall waving arms frantically and. the. lights. came. on.

YIPPEE!!!

Except they came on because someone walked in. To find me crazy arm dancing in the bathroom. We both stop and stare at each other. I wash hands like it’s perfectly normal to be dancing in the dark public washroom.

And because I’m a thoughtful gal, I say “Make sure you move around a lot in there.”

Awkward silence.

Exit Nicole.

 

Post originally written for the blog The Colie Chronicles © 2014